So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
"Severus, you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready... if you are prepared..."
I find my entire body wanting to seize up. Only the fact that we are in the presence of others keeps me from... from... doing I know not what. Reaching for him. Yes, that. I want to feel you, Albus. We both need that comfort, the comfort of feeling each other's pulses and breathing and warm skin and knowing with the certainty that comes from tangibility that the other is alive.
Instead, I only nod, once. "I am," I say, forcing the words out. They are dry in my throat, sticking like so much sandpaper. Very very briefly, your eyes meet mine. So sad, you are. And I know that at least part of this sadness is for the cost you are asking of me, for the thing you are making me do.
I see your hand twitch once at your side. I know that you want touch, too; want to feel me whole and live at least once more before I go. But. But. Others surround us, others.
But that's not the real reason, for either of us. We both have a fair amount of stubbornness and might each be willing to tell everyone else to go to hell, if not for... I don't think I can trust myself to touch you casually and leave it at that. Were I to brush against you in passing on my way out, were you to rest a hand briefly on my shoulder, I would never be able to steel myself to leave and you would never be able to let me. We'd stand in each other's arms, content with things like heartbeats and body heat, and damn the rest of the world.
Which is why you don't reach for me. Which is why you say nothing more than a shallow and empty 'good luck;' which is why I say nothing at all.
We dare not afford ourselves goodbyes. They cost too much. Prices neither of us can pay, here and now.
So. Do not love me here and now, Albus. Love me when I'm gone...
I survive it. I am hurting and I can taste the back of my throat and the flavor of my own screams, but I survive it. He's actually not even that displeased with me; it's merely the routine chastisement we're all going through right now.
When He is done with me, I drag myself together and crawl from His presence-- His dark, terrible, wonderful presence-- and leave. Get to a point I can Apparate from. Come back home.
The Forbidden Forest is as close I can get, considering the Hogwarts shields. I materialize in a dark clearing familiar to us both and start coughing my innards up. Instantly-- warm hands on my back, supporting me. You draw me in close, in the embrace we could not permit ourselves before, and say nothing, offering endlessly from your well of strength. How many times when I was much younger did we enact this, during those god-awful four interminable years? You waiting for me to return to this clearing, hoping I'd come back alive?
For one moment-- for one moment in which I permit myself to believe in you, in us, in which I forget the pain-- we stay like this. But again-- a luxury that is now too expensive. I snarl weakly and pull away from your arms, supporting myself instead with a conveniently near tree.
For a moment I can sense your bewilderment and pain. I turn and glare at you as murderously as I can manage. You stare at me uncomprehending... then realization dawns in your sad and tired eyes. You nod, slowly, acceptance of this, though your pain does not diminish. You take a deep breath.
"So that is how it is to be, for now."
My resolve wavers, when you speak in that tone. Surely for just tonight-- no.
"Albus-- I have to. He'll... He'll know. I must. I. We can't."
"Shh. Shh, Severus. It's all right. I understand."
Do you? Do you, Albus? For all your perception, do even you understand what it's like, to walk this razor's edge? My God. It's not as simple as putting on lie, muttering a few words about belief and filthy Mudbloods, and bending down to lick His boots, you know. Not with Him. He knows me soul, body, heart and mind, and I can hide nothing from him.
If I am to pull this off, there can be no 'us.' Not even in my own heart. I must become my mask. I must become Severus Snape, Death Eater. I must believe in Him and His words, I must be able to bare my soul and Mark to Him and tell Him under His glare (a far, far more effective interrogation than Veritaserum) that I am HIS, and loyal to none other.
I must hate you, Albus.
And I am so afraid. So very afraid. Whatever else-- whatever else happens-- I pray you remember it is only the mask. I pray I remember. I pray I remember how to take it off.
"Severus..."
Don't! Don't don't don't! I can't afford your gentleness, not when so much is at stake! my mind screams panicked. I stand still, wary, a beast at bay, dreading your next words. God help us both if you say a thing about love.
"Just... promise me..."
What, old man? What am I to promise you?
"... that you will come back, when it is all over, and still be Severus."
I shudder in the moonlight and the cold. I draw myself upright, stare coolly at you, and say with my most acidic tone and cruelest sneer, "Such sentimentality. Don’t we have work to do?"
You flinch. Oh God, Albus, how am I to survive? How are we to survive?
There's another world inside of me that you may never see
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide
Well somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find
Well maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind
I begin. My customary silence in staff meetings shifts to outright disdain and contempt for the others, for any suggestion you make. The other professors stare at me in shock and confusion. I make myself enemies of all those who had even approached friendship with me. I sneer and condescend and spit my malice--
--and I am so terrified at how easy it is. And I am terrified that soon I will stop being terrified.
Oh God. Oh Merlin. Oh anyone merciful who is listening.
Minerva treats me like a venomous serpent. Hagrid, who has always blindly supported me for no other reason than he knew I had your trust, and that was enough for him-- has, I think, given up. The students live in terror of me-- more than before, I mean. In comparison to my actions and words of now, my behaviour of a year ago must seem positively gentle. I take especial pains to torment Harry Potter-- and I don't mean just the casual nonsense of past years. Taunts in class. Points taken. No, I act in a manner that is damned sure to convince any who had a doubt that I have designs on Potter's life; everything short of actually attacking him.
I make myself into a spectre of terror around Hogwarts, yet never do an outright thing that would force you to fire me.
Draco Malfoy and a few others are the only ones I have a civil word for. The other staff shy away from me, the students flee outright, and you--
I do not talk to you. I do not come to your rooms. We have no games of chess, no nights of warmth, no reading books together. A chasm starts here, filled with ice and pain. The distance in your eyes is a thing tangible. Even when I report to you, the most warmth and humanity I can manage is a neutrality, a forced expressionless tone, rather than my venom and hate. And that is the best I can give you, the most I can give you.
Oh God. Let it still be a mask. As long as I can wish that, it means I am still me, yes? The Muggle Catch-22? Let it be so. Please.
I look into the mirror each morning and feel I have gone blind. Or wish for it to be so.
You may never see this inner world I live in now, Albus. At least I hope so, with all my being. I hope you never ever see me for what I am, here and now.
When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone
And part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone
In the Great Hall, during lunch. I rarely come to meals anymore, preferring to walk to the forest and Apparate to Lucius's manor for my food. But I am here. Today.
You watch me the entire meal. How long since we actually spoke, you and I? Said a single word worth remembering? I don't know. I don't care. Why the hell would I want to be in your presence anyway, that makes my insides clench and my anger boil? What are you compared to Lucius, or... to Him.
Him. My Master, my King, my Lord, my God. I shiver in the warmth of the hall, thinking of blood and roses. My blood, spilling out onto the stone, onto His corpse-pale fingers. He brings them to his lips, His eyes crimson death and beauty on me.
I wish to hell you'd stop staring at me, old man. What do you want? What do you think you'll see? Do you see Him on me? Ha.
I tell you nothing. I give away nothing. I'm not yours, old fool. Albus Dumbledore, so perceptive. But you can't read me!
No one can. I stand alone, a shifting shadow in a world of shadows...
Oh god, Albus, what have I become? I look in the mirror... and I remember a promise I made you... and I fight it, I fight so hard...
But I'm already gone...
My quarters are cold, but I don't mind. I don't feel it. Don’t feel much of anything, unless it comes from Him.
There's a knock on the door. I glare towards it. Who would be so foolish? My Slytherins only come when they are called, and no one else dares. Would dare.
I stalk to the door, wand out. If it is young Malfoy, he had best have a damn good reason for this interruption. I yank the door open--
You.
Beat. One, two. The two of us staring at each other. I realize my wand is pointing at your throat and cannot recall lifting it. Slowly, I force my hand to lower.
"Headmaster. Such an unexpected pleasure. What do you want, old fool?"
You look at me. Sad, steady, slow gaze. Stern too. I snarl and lift my wand again, thinking of nothing more in this moment but getting some reaction from you.
"No."
Your voice is thunder and against my will it stops me, my hand freezing in the air. "I am sick of this, Severus," you say in that same tone of finality, and step inside, the door swinging shut behind you. "I have had enough. I do not care what the consequences of this will be-- I do not care if this is a mistake-- but I cannot, I will not allow this to continue any longer. It is not worth the price. Do you understand me, Severus? Do you hear me?"
I am vaguely aware I am gaping like a fish on dry land. You are furious as I have rarely seen you, lightning flashing in the depths of your eyes, gone from sky-blue to storm; power in your gesture, voice, and movements. You take my wand from my motionless hands and violently snap it in two, flinging the pieces across the room.
And then you step in, close. Your hands come up to my face, one on either side, and you kiss me. Hard. Passionately. It is... possessive, as I did not know you could be. It is the kiss of a man stating, for all the world to see, that 'this is mine, I have claimed him, he is mine.'
My head is spinning by the time you let go and pull back, my lips are numb and my lungs gulp for air. I... I... You are gentle now, one hand on either side of my face, forcing me to meet your gaze. Gentle but firm.
"Severus. I will not let you go. Do you understand me? I will not lose you. I will not let him have you. I cannot, I will not. Not after so much, so long. Severus. Severus. My Severus."
Oh Albus. Albus. You are crying.
So am I. I did not know I still could. Five months of this fucking mask, and I rip it off and toss it to the floor and stomp on it. "Albus," I say brokenly, and I am in your arms or you are in mine, it doesn't matter, and the tears fall like rain, like a summer storm, and I... and you... and we, for there is an 'us' there is there is there is... and you are not Him, and you are not like Him, and I can breathe again...
And the night is warm and skin and robes and heat and heartbeats and mouths and kisses and tears. And. And. And.
Your arms hold me tightly, possessively, protectively. You are afraid to let go and I am afraid to leave. But for right now there is peace. Right now, here and now, after we have spent ourselves in each other's bodies. Before daylight comes, cruel day, and rips us apart from each other. Before I must put the mask back on, and you must put your mask back on, and we must act as if it never happened, because so much is at stake.
But I will not forget again. I-- I will remember it is a mask. We both will. I will not let you down, I swear; I cannot, not you. Everything that I am exists and is real because of you... and is for you, is for the man you see in me, the man under this mask. I have given up everything for your Good, I have given up everything for you. For you. Always you.
And you. You are, here and now. To hold me when I am here, to right me when I am wrong, to hold me when I am scared... and when we are parted, when you are not there, when I am kneeling before Him and fighting down my screams.... when I am gone... to love me when I'm gone.
Love me when I'm gone.
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down even if I could
I'd give up everything if only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
Title: Love Me When I'm Gone
Author: Dien Alcyone
Rating: R again, I imagine
Summary: Let's do the Time Jump! This is a skip ahead from the rest of the Albus and Severus Songficcin' Dark Romance. Set after Goblet of Fire.
Disclaimer: JKR owns these two gentlemen. Three Doors Down owns the song. On with it.
